


Fifty Shades of Moustache

by billfan80, Brazendale



Series: Fifty Shades of Moustache [1]
Category: Southern Vampire Mysteries - Charlaine Harris, True Blood
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-03 14:23:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billfan80/pseuds/billfan80, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brazendale/pseuds/Brazendale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not a happy ever after little piece of feel good fic but a parody on what might happen if certain events were to unfold in the land of Bon Temps. </p><p>Expect the unexpected and steam, lots of steamy bits. </p><p>It is just a little bit of fun and a tribute to the Moya and the cultivator behind it. It is totally off the wall and meant to be read as a tongue in cheek bit of fun with no offence given to any TB characters or readers. </p><p>Brazendale Disclaimer:<br/>I must be one of the only people on earth that has not read 50 Shades. I have no real idea of the story so there is absolutely no copy right infringement intended.</p><p>Have fun – we hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifty Shades of Moustache

Fifty Shades of Moustache

It had been nearly three months since Sookie had made her decision and told Bill and Eric they were no longer to be part of her life and in all that time she had not seen them nor heard from either of them although she did have a sneaking suspicion that at times she had caught a fleeting glimpse of Eric hovering around out in her woods but if it was him, he didn’t come knocking on her door. She had made her bed and now had to live with the repercussions of her decisions. 

She didn’t even see Jessica, even though she knew from Jason that he was seeing her and that they were an item … despite themselves. As for Tara, well she had gone to be with Pam and rightly so, after all it was only fitting and proper that she would be with her maker. As much as Sookie never wanted to have anything to do with vampires ever again, she could see the sense in Pam taking Tara under her wing and mentoring her, though the thought of Pam mentoring any one was an amazing prospect in anyone’s mind let alone Sookie, who knew or suspected that she was definitely off Pam’s Christmas card list this year. 

Now for the first time in her adult life Sookie was totally on her own. She got up in the morning, did her chores, went to work at Merlottes, Sam having reluctantly given her old job back but only under the strict promise that was she to never put any of her adventures before her duties without a due warning and then that would be it as far as Sam was concerned.

She noticed Sam had changed since he had been seeing Luna. He didn’t look at her with that look that he used to have for her and he hardly ever conversed with her on a personal level. Their relationship was now one of a purely employer / employee kind and it rather hurt her; she missed the care and concern for her welfare that he had for her in the past. She realised that he had always been there for her and had her best interests at heart but now, she reflected, that seemed to be gone. 

She got on with her life.

The first few months on her own she had actually enjoyed being her own woman. She ate well, took extra vitamin supplements to build herself back up again from the many ordeals and feeds that had taken it out of her and, she took time out to work on her tan. She read anything and everything and watched all the movies in her limited little library. 

She went back to learning her “word of the day” from her calendar, improving her mind and improving her body. She was determined that she would lead a simple life, no dramas, and no adventures and absolutely no vampires or supes were allowed. 

And so it went on until she woke late one morning after a busy evening shift. She got up and did her chores, cleaned the house, did the wash, read her magazines while sunbaking and after grabbing a meat loaf sandwich on her way out for her next shift, she suddenly she realised while standing at the bar waiting for Sam to fill her next order for the table of young bucks just in from football practice, she realised that she was bored out of her brain. 

And it wasn’t just that, there was something more, something disturbing … she was lonely.

It was a feeling that had snuck up on her and caught her by surprise. She wasn’t sure where it had come from but she didn’t like it and she was struck by a sudden wave of melancholia that swept over her and left her reeling. 

Analysing where and why on earth it had suddenly made its appearance, at the back of her mind there was something that kept ringing a bell but she just couldn’t quite grasp it. What was it, what had she been thinking today that may have triggered this off she kept asking herself, puzzled by her feelings.

As she took her heavy tray with the pitcher of beer and glasses over to the booth stuffed full of the local lads, she went over and over in her mind everything that she had done from the moment that she got up. But she couldn’t think of anything out of the ordinary that would have had such an effect then, as she turned to go check on the next table she remembered, it was the date on the calendar. 

It was her anniversary, the anniversary of the night that she had first made love to Bill. It was date that she would always have stored in her memory and that, that was what had made her feel this way. Try as she might she just couldn’t deny it, she missed Bill; she missed him terribly and was ashamed of the way that she had treated him. 

She was standing back at the bar waiting for yet another order thinking all of this when as if right on cue, she felt something that she had never thought she would feel again. Amidst all the cacophony of the small noisy crowd that was filling her mind with its usual banal junk, a blank peaceful space of tranquillity appeared, like an oasis in the desert heat. 

Instantly turning to look in the direction it was coming from, her mouth dropped open a little, her eyes widened, her breath shortened and a shiver ran all the way through her for sitting in the very exact same place that she had first seen him when he walked into her life and changed it forever, there sat … 

Bill the Vampire.

There was enough of the blood bond left between Bill and Sookie for him to feel the surge running through her. He could feel her blood flowing, his sensitive nose picked up the change in her scent as her arousal flooded her and he had to fight to keep his fangs contained. Hell, he thought, he had not expected her to be here. If he had known he would simply have rung Sam to have a quiet word with him about a business matter he needed to discuss but he had been away for some months now and had no idea that she was still working at Merlottes after all, she was lucky to have a job at all with all the time off she had taken, not to mention the trouble she had caused. 

He had changed in those few months away. He had spent a great deal of his spare time giving a lot of thought to his relationship with Sookie and had drawn a few conclusions. Now here he was and here she was and if anything, Bill was a little confused by the state that he felt Sookie to be in. 

In the three months that Bill had been away living and working at the Authority head quarters, when not working on a new project that he had devised as a way of atoning for his role in the death of Nan Flanagan, he had really put himself through the wringer over their relationship and had come to a few realisations. 

Almost from the first moment he had seen her, he had loved her. He had been there for her despite himself and had done everything that he possibly could to protect her but that wasn’t enough and she had gone to Eric. 

To give Eric his due, for once it wasn’t his conniving that had lured her to him ironically, he had no control really over the events that led her to him, he was after all, not himself at the time so Bill actually felt sorry for him. The two of them both had something in common; they had been dumped by her. 

Bill also realised that to a degree, Sam was almost in the same boat as far as being in love with Sookie went. Bill knew that Sam had feelings for her and would have done anything for her and yet he too had really faired no better. 

He had gotten over the galling prospect of being only one in what seemed like a growing list of her conquests but now that he wasn’t hurting so much, his feelings had turned to one of ambivalence towards her. He quite simply did not care.

He watched her now as she turned and simpered her way over to him. He had no idea what was going on in her mind but he knew from the way that she was moving she was sure sending out some signals that had nothing to do with love but were of a more basic nature. 

‘Hi’ she purred at him ‘what can I get you?’ He looked at her for one long cool moment before politely asking if Sam was free. Sookie’s eyebrows drew together in a frown. That was clearly not the response she had been expecting or hoping to get, in fact she had been totally put off her guard by his answer. She was not feeling her self. Her head was almost spinning and every time she looked at Bill she went giddy, waves of lust shooting through her. 

She didn’t know what it was, she couldn’t explain it but there was something different about him that was pushing her buttons like never before and she had expected that he was there to court her in an attempt to get her to go back to him. She did not expect his manner to be as dismissive as it was and the fact that he was there to see Sam and not her, left her miffed.

‘Oh come on Bill’ she purred, trying again in her most seductive voice, ‘you don’t really mean to tell me that you are here to see Sam do you?’ she questioned disbelievingly. He looked her in the eyes, ‘Sookie is Sam around or not, I have rather a lot to do and if he is not here then I will be on my way.’ ‘But Bill….you can’t go I,’ she didn’t get the chance to go on for he stood and brushed past her, making his way down the small back corridor to the office. She was left standing there with her mouth open and red faced. 

Knocking politely on the office door, Sam’s voice yelled ‘Come in.’ He was sitting at his desk with a mountain of paper work and looking frazzled by it all. ‘Well hello Bill, what can I do …’ he stopped mid speech as his eyes ran over Bill, lighting up with a look of shear pleasure as he jumped to his feet and hurriedly walked over to shake hands, forgetting the normal vampire - supe protocols. ‘Mighty fine to see you’ he fairly glowed at him as he held Bill’s arm with one hand and shook hands with the other, pulling him into him closely, the touch seeming to Bill like it went on for a lot longer than was necessary. 

‘It’s really good to see you Bill’ Sam reiterated enthusiastically still holding his hand much to Bill’s discomfort. ‘You look … sensational’ Sam’s voice softened as he looked into Bill’s eyes before running over his body again and back to gaze into his eyes. ‘I have missed you’ he gently said, moving his face a little closer to Bill’s. ‘I have really missed you’ he emphasised, moving still closer. He was now so close that Bill could feel his breath on his face. He could smell a trace of cologne on Sam’s cheeks and could smell a faint trace of blood from a shaving nick on Sam’s cheek.

‘You know I dream about you Bill. I dream about you all the time.’ Bill’s face was like a mask. What the hell, Bill was thinking. ‘I dream about what you would be like if we…’ Bill didn’t wait to hear the rest of it but fled out of the office and instead of going back through the front of the bar, exited via the staff entrance. 

He just wanted to get out of there and had no intentions of seeing Sam or Sookie or any of the others. He just wanted to get home, he hadn’t been there yet and wanted nothing more than to get back and see Jessica and just relax. This little event had left him shocked and disturbed but that was nothing to what was coming as he was walking to his car and ran into Jason.

‘Bill good to see you man’ Jason shouted from a little distance away as walked towards him grinning that smile that had turned more than half the female population of Bon Temps and its surrounds his way. ‘Where have you been I haven’t seen you for…’ but he stopped speaking and his mouth fell open as he approached, staring straight at Bill’s face. 

Bill groaned inwardly. That was the exact same look that both Sookie and Sam had on their faces but before he could even think about it, Jason had him in a bear hug, squeezing him against his firm muscular body. ‘It is so very good to see you Bill.’ Jason was almost panting. ‘Really good man’ he said still holding Bill’s body to him tightly, his eyes closed and a look of subliminal bliss on his face.

Bill was horrified. As gently as he could without hurting him, he broke away and sped to his car, calling over his shoulder that he had to go. He would have breathed a sigh of relief if he could when he had put a couple of miles between himself and Merlottes. What the hell was going on? Was there another maenad in the area controlling the population or had a witch bewitched everyone? He only hoped that Jessica could fill him in on the bizarre going ons, that’s if she is even home he thought as he turned into his drive. 

Much to Bill’s relief, Jessica’s car was parked at the side of the house. He was so very glad to be home. He walked into his hall and called out ‘Jessica, I am home. Where are you?’ There was an excited squeal from one of the upstairs bedrooms before a blur rushed down the stairs and stopped dead at the foot. ‘Oh Bill’ Jessica shouted delightedly, ‘you are finally home. I missed you so…’ 

She had been positively beaming at him, her face lit with joy at seeing him but then her expression changed suddenly. Her eyes ran over him and then up to his face and she had stopped and was standing there staring. Her fangs snicked into place and with vamp speed she was in his arms. ‘Bill, oh Bill’ she was rasping, ‘Hold me, touch me’ she pleaded, running her hands over his chest, attempting to slip her fingers into his shirt. ‘Sookie once told me how you had incredible sex with your maker. I am your progeny, I have every right for you to ...’ 

‘Jessica!!!!’ Bill yelled, horrified beyond belief. 

Jessie’s face crumpled in a mask of bloody tears. ‘But Bill I want….’ His face had gone a deathly pale. ‘That is enough. As your maker I forbid you to say such things.’ At his words she turned and with lightening speed she fled out the door in the direction of Merlottes to find comfort and as much solace as she could in Jason’s arms.

Bill managed to get to his office and sit down at his desk. He was shaken, totally shaken but before he had time to recover the front doors flew open and Eric barged in. ‘Sire’ he said sarcastically half bowing before Bill, but as he was about to raise him self from his stooping position, his eyes skimmed over Bill’s face and he remained where he was, whispering softly ‘Majesty’. His eyes never left Bill’s for one moment. ‘My Liege, forgive me’ he begged and half grovelled his way over to Bill and took his hand and kissed it. ‘You look so different so … what is it about you?’ 

‘Eric, knock it off’ Bill snapped but then he caught the look in the Viking’s eyes and he realised that he was not joking but was being sincere. ‘Bill old sport’ Eric went on his voice regaining some composure, ‘where have you been? Your texts only gave instructions but no information about where you were and what you were doing.’

Eric had gotten up and moved a little closer to Bill. He had a wounded expression on his face as he asked him where he had been as though his feelings had been deeply hurt by the lack of personal contact. ‘I was cleaning up the mess from our little err … meeting with Nan Flanagan Eric. I can safely say that we have nothing to fear on that score now.’

‘Why Bill’ he said as he inched closer and closer to him until he was standing towering over him. ‘You are too good to me. You always have been. I don’t know why it has taken until now for me to realise it. Why, you really do care about me don’t you?’ Eric was saying as he looked down into Bill’s blue eyes looking up at him and before Bill knew what had hit him, Eric had leant into him and brushed his lips across his mouth, his tongue parting his lips and seductively inviting more as he held Bill’s head gently in his hands and pulled him into the kiss. ‘You like that don’t you, does it turn you on?’ he asked into his mouth.

There had always been an unspoken tension between the two of them. At times Bill had wondered if it was a macho sexual curiosity on Eric’s part, you know all that Viking muscle and brawn attitude fighting with an attraction for him, a need to meet his feminine softer side by hooking up with Bill and exploring, but he had never imagined that it would ever come into being as he was always so mean and vindictive in his treatment of him.

Maybe that had been it, he had been fighting against his inner most desires and that was why he preferred to disguise them with the opposite type of behaviour but now, for some unknown reason, he had let his guard down and given in to his long squashed desires.

‘Oh Bill, I want you. I have wanted you for so long but now, now you are simply …’ he thought for a moment, ‘you are irresistible. There is something different about you that I simply can’t ignore’ he was murmuring into Bill’s mouth as he held him firmly to him, his free hand running down Bill’s body until he found what he was searching for and gently fondled him.

Bill knew that Eric was stronger than him and that he really didn’t have many options here so perhaps it was that, or perhaps he too had felt an under current of sexual tension that had always permeated his dealings with Eric, but it didn’t really matter what the reason was, he couldn’t help himself and responded in kind. Their mouths searching for each other, fangs drawn, tongues caressing as Eric moved his hand stroking Bill gently for a vampire of such brutal strength. 

‘ERIC!!!!’ a voice from the door way of the office forced him to let go of Bill and turn hurriedly. Pam stood there looking on. ‘How lame’ she exclaimed as her eyes took in the scene. ‘I felt you and rushed here and this is what I find? Oh give me a break, please!’ 

Eric stepped away from Bill reluctantly giving Pam the opportunity to get a glimpse of Bill standing there shaken, fangs fully drawn and totally overwhelmed by what was going on. One look at his face was enough and she was at his side in lightening speed. ‘Bill, you can take me when ever you are ready. Now would be convenient for me. The desk would be just fine or the chair’ she drawled, patting the soft leather of Bill’s office chair.

‘Out, both of you… NOW.’ They both looked at him with longing ‘Pam, see what you have done.’ Eric was livid. ‘You had no right to come barging in here like that, ruining my chances.’ ‘What are you talking about Eric, if you hadn’t been so tacky he wouldn’t be scared off and I would be on that desk right now with nine inches of rampant vampire showering me with…’ Their voices trailed off as they reached the front door and fled into the night. 

Bill sat slumped at his desk, his mind reeling. What the hell was the matter with everyone? He had thought that there must be something bewitching the human population but hell, Eric and Pam, Pam? You have to be kidding me he thought sitting there shaking his head. 

He needed some air, needed to get out and clear his head so he got up and walked out onto his veranda and around to the near side of his home just as he spotted a patrol car pulling up in the drive. Oh lord what now he wondered seeing Andy Bellefleur climbing out of the driver’s seat. 

‘Evening Bill’ Andy called out in a normal enough way to put him at his ease. ‘Just called by to let you know that the …’ his voice trailed off as Bill stepped out of the shadows of the porch and into the moonlight. Andy gasped. Oh fuck, not again please, not again Bill cringed just looking at the expression on the Sheriff’s face. ‘You know Bill’ Andy went on as though a thought had just struck him, ‘you are one attractive vampyr. How come I ain’t never noticed it before?’ he asked thinking out aloud puzzled like. 

Bill didn’t hang around, he had the feeling that he knew what would be coming next and didn’t want any part of it, relative or not, this was all just way too weird for him. ‘Sorry Andy, can this wait for another time, I am expecting an urgent call. Got to go, we’ll catch up’ he said as gently as he could, unable to cope with the tears forming in the huge puppy dog face of his unwanted visitor. 

Back in the relative safety of his office Bill was at a total loss to even begin to figure out what the hell was going on. This was sure not the home coming that he had been expecting. He was bought back to reality when there was a knock on his study door and a security guard entered. ‘Majesty’ he said with a deep bow, ‘there is someone to see you sir’ he went on briskly, ‘and she is quite insistent, she says it is a matter of life and death sir.’ 

He didn’t even want to hazard a guess as to who or what would be waiting for him next but reluctantly he asked the guard to show whoever it was in. The guard disappeared for a moment then returned ushering in of all people Maxine Fortenbury and she had an expression on her face that told him that she was in no mood to be put off. 

‘Vampire Bill, I hear that you are some kind of King and that you have control over all the vamps round about so I want you to do something about Jessica. My Hoyt has been mooning over her, fretting his little heart out and I …’ Here it comes, Bill was thinking as she looked up at him and seemingly studied his face for the first time since she had walked into the room. ‘Why vampire Bill’ she cooed, waddling her way closer to him, ‘it is so very good to see you. You know I am an older woman but you are an older man, I could make you so very happy don’t you think? And lord knows’ she went on somewhat desperately, ‘there is enough of me to go around, I am more than enough woman for one vampire.’ The suggestive smirk on her face was enough to scare the hell out of Bill. 

‘Now why don’t you just come over for dinner one night and I will feed you’ she fairly teased him in a sickeningly way. It took all of Bill’s diplomacy to finally get rid of her and be left in peace. Fearing he would not be able to escape any further intrusions he got up and went out, walking aimlessly through the cemetery hoping to find some kind of an answer to the night’s proceedings. 

He walked on through the gravestones with no particular purpose. His mind in turmoil and just wanting to find some solitude, so it was with a start that he rounded a bend in the path and found Sookie sitting on the ground by Adele’s grave sobbing her heart out. She looked up at him when she caught a fleeting glimpse of him in the shadows and felt his presence in her mind.

Despite himself, his dead heart lurched with pain at the sight of her sitting so forlorn. He couldn’t help himself as he sped to her side and sitting next to her, he took her in his arms. ‘What is it? What is the matter?’ he asked gently.

‘Oh Bill I made such a mess of things and now, now you don’t even like me and I, I..’ she gazed at him with tears streaming down her face, the moonlight splashing its silver waves across their faces, ‘I, I have missed you and you look so beautiful’ she wailed in a pit of self pity.

He chuckled a little to him self that was so typical of Sookie, ever selfish, never learning and in tears. She looked up at him again and suddenly leaned in, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck and she pulled him into her and kissed him. Bill couldn’t resist, he never had been able to and in the vulnerable state that she was in, it would have done more harm than good to try to talk things out with her so he simply gave in and responded. Besides, it had been so long since he had had her and his body and fangs fairly ached for her. 

The smell of the sunlight on her skin, the sweet taste of her tongue, the way she teased the tips of his fangs as she ran her tongue along them just softly enough to draw a drop of blood that filled his mouth and sent him reeling with desire. He could not and did not want to resist her any longer and she was more than willing to comply.

He had her on her back in a moment, his hands all over her, ripping her clothes, tearing at her underwear shredding it heedlessly until he freed her and could gaze upon her in the silver light of the moon. He was on top of her, running kisses over her face, her mouth, down her neck, trailing down to her breasts. Licking and sucking her skin like he was starving and she was food for his soul. 

She drew her breath in as he took first one nipple then the other in his mouth, softly running his tongue around each until they stiffened into upright mounds of sensory pleasure before continuing on down her body, trailing kisses down until he reached into her inner most soul. 

The sensation of his tongue gently lapping at her, his head buried in her and something else, something new and never before experienced, sent her body in to spasms instantly and had she not been holding his head to her in her small hands, she would have bucked him off so intense was her peak.

‘Oh Bill, oh Bill’ she was rasping, ‘you are … it is …. Oh Bill … it is your moustache!’

He had his answer, finally.

He had devised the idea of a Movampire Day to bring to the attention of all vampires the need to look after their health, to raise funds into the research for prevention and cure of the Rhino virus that was in epidemic proportions now, taking more lives than ever in the history of vampires and, his contribution to vampire health was a way of appeasing the Authority for his part in the death of Nan Flanagan. He was the founding member and spokesperson so consequently, he had come back to Bon Temps to spread the word with a luxuriously soft, thick and tantalisingly tempting moustache, never dreaming of the effect that it would have on all those he met. 

Bill half chuckled with relief, today was the last day of November and he had been literally itching to shave it off and he couldn’t wait. It would be interesting to see the reaction of every one to him in the coming days minus his hair suit state, well it would make for some very embarrassing reactions for sure, in the mean time, he had some unfinished business to take care of.

‘Sookee’ he murmured softly to her as she lay panting in the after glow of her climax, ‘you like it don’t you, does it turn you on?’ She swallowed, her body responding to his silken voice ‘Oh yes Bill, I like it a lot’ and she reached out her hand and touched him. ‘Well, in that case we had just better make the most of it then’ he rumbled as he took her again.

He was really going to look forward to Movampire Day every year from now on into the bright future, he thought to himself as he sank his fangs into her soft flesh and they came together. 

He was going to like it a lot. 

Finis


End file.
